5 Reasons WHY your child/student lacks CONFIDENCE

This is the question I asked one of my students one afternoon, after hearing that she cried when she got an answer wrong in her homework at home.

"I don't want to get it wrong" she said.

My next follow-up question would lead me to realise the importance of mindset in our young children, and the impact of not meeting personal and societal expectations.

From a life coach perspective, the fear of failure in students often stems from a deep-seated concern about not meeting personal or societal expectations. This fear often manifests as a paralysing dread of poor academic performance and criticism. This can impact a child's mental health, as well as social and familial interactions and relationships.

As a teacher, I see this daily. As educators, we need to foster a supportive environment that encourages risk taking and provides constructive feedback, but also celebrate the wins! Educators have a huge responsibility, just like parents, to develop resilience and a growth mindset, whereby students can see challenges as opportunities for growth rather than threats to their self-worth. Both life coaches and teachers play a pivotal role in reframing the fear of failure as a natural part of learning; emphasising effort and progress over perfectionism.

2. An UNKIND COMMENT made by a family member, friend or teacher.

Its not just WHAT we say, but HOW we say it! Words are powerful, and can create great impact on our children and/or teens. More often than not, hurtful words or phrases expressed by loved ones or their teachers, often linger far beyond the day it was said. What we forget is that, children, remember not only the words you said, but how you made them FEEL.

I'm not often lost for words when talking to kids. But this one hit me different.

How was I going to override this engrained lack of self-worth and belief in their own abilities? I got out a piece of paper and physically tracked this student's progress over the years I had known her. I quickly reached for a pen and scrap piece of paper from my desk and revealed the incredible milestones, achievements and test results in a timeline of her time with me.

We discussed a strategy, coined by Dr Paul Mckenna, in order to begin to override these feelings of inadequacy, of which continued over the next 3 months of working with her.

3. Events or circumstance, validates their belief of themselves

With the compounding effects of fear of failure, and then harmful words spoken by a person of power, influence or someone they love, a young person's mindset can be difficult to reverse or improve in just a single coaching session. Especially, when an event or circumstance continues to validate their belief of themselves.

Let me give you an example.

A student, who I will call 'Joan' for the purpose of this post, often struggled with writing. In all aspects...spelling, responding and understanding texts, and transferring ideas onto paper. Despite her parents seeking help, communicating with the teacher and doing extra work at home, when she received her results in NAPLAN, they didn't reflect the hard work that was being put in.

Joan's belief that she was "bad at writing" was validated in her mind. The negative feedback from the test reinforced her insecurities and self-doubt, leading her to question her abilities even further. As Joan grappled with her feelings of inadequacy, she began to withdraw from participating in class and avoided seeking help from her teachers. The cycle of poor performance and self-doubt seemed never ending, leaving Joan feeling trapped in a mindset that hindered her growth and potential.

This is where a coach comes in. A coach can help a student and their family prioritise academics vs pleasure, assist in setting achievable and exciting goals, but also provide encouragement and the tools to manage setbacks, so that they don't get trapped in self-doubt and inadequacy.

4. They are trying to impress someone, OR everyone

As a child, have you ever felt like you wanted to make someone proud?

One common issue is the pressure to meet high expectations set by adults, which can lead to feelings of stress and anxiety. Young people with siblings often have this issue. One sibling may find that academics come very naturally and easy to them, while the other has to work extremely hard to achieve the same results.

Children often feel overwhelmed by the need to constantly perform well academically or behaviourly in order to gain approval and recognition from their parents or teachers. This pressure to impress can also result in a fear of failure (see above) causing children to avoid taking risks or trying new things, for fear of disappointing those they look up to.

The desire to please adults can sometimes lead to young people prioritising external validation over their own interests and passions, of which, will potentially hinder personal growth and development.

Overall, the need to impress parents or teachers, can create a challenging dynamic for children and siblings, as they navigate the complexities of seeking approval while also staying true to themselves.

5. Unsure of HOW or WHAT to do to be better

Dr McKenna said ,

So we can't blame kids for not knowing how to put themselves out there, how to be more confident, how to have a growth mindset, and choose the more empowering thought.

When a child is faced with uncertainty about their abilities, or the steps needed to progress, it can lead to feelings of insecurity and self doubt. This lack of clarity can create a sense of helplessness and frustration, causing a child to questions their own capabilities and worth.

Without a clear path forward or the tools set out by a coach, a child will struggle to make progress, or set goals, further eroding their confidence. Essentially, staying in their current circumstance until they mature enough or are lucky enough to meet a mentor along the way.

It is essential for adults to provide support, encouragement and guidance to help children navigate uncertainty and develop the resilience needed to overcome challenges and achieve their full potential.

Conclusion:

As a life coach and teacher, I often see clients struggle with fear of failure, which can hold them back from reaching their full potential. Many individuals also fall into the trap of trying to impress others or seeking validation from everyone around them, leading to a constant need for external validation from everyone around them, leading to a constant need for external approval. Feeling unsure of how to improve or be better can create a sense of stagnation and self-doubt.

When events or circumstance validate negative thoughts or beliefs, it can reinforce a cycle of self-sabotage and limit personal growth. Additionally, unkind words form others can deeply impact one's self-esteem and confidence, highlighting the importance of building resilience and self-worth.

Written by

Victoria Psaltis

Guided Growth Coaching